Blue Thunder

It’s official. I did what I said I would NEVER do. I bought a mini-van.

We realized soon after we found out I was pregnant that even my station wagon wasn’t going to work with three car seats. So, we went out in search of any vehicle with a third row of seats, and reluctantly I put mini-vans on the list. We looked at quite a few cars. There was one SUV that actually came really close to fitting our needs. But, for some reason they only put one latch tether in the third row and there was no way I was going to fit all of our groceries and a stroller in the cargo area, let alone all the gear we take on a weekend away. We were down to the mini-vans.

I drove two. One was really super nice and felt like a luxury car, if you can believe that. The second one, the big blue one, felt like home. We bought the car I test drove. Blue Thunder.

It’s been hard to adjust to the fact that no one (and by no one I guess I really mean no men) ever gives you a second look in a mini-van. It’s not like I’m out looking for someone. I am madly in love with my husband and I know he thinks I’m beautiful. But every now and again it is nice to feel like you’ve still got it. Not that a station wagon is so hot, but from the front it looked like any other sedan, and you probably couldn’t see the car seats in the back. Right?

I always appreciated all of the features the mini-van had to offer. And given that I am anxious enough about juggling three kids, having a car that makes life easier seemed like a good idea. But I swore I’d never drive a mini-van and I hated that now I was driving one. And then on our summer vacation, something changed.

We were on the ferry coming home from Block Island. It’s a small island, and a really small ferry. As we were approaching land we headed down to the car. There wasn’t room to open the passenger door (or the driver door for that matter) so we opened the rear slider. All four of us climbed in and CLOSED THE DOOR! We sort of stood there looking at each other for a minute, because it was a little strange to have four people standing in the back of a car, and then K and I buckled the boys in. Then we dropped the console between the driver and passenger seat down (oh yeah, you read that right!) and walked into the front seats. Granted the car was loaded after a week of vacation and it took some shuffling of stuff, but it was like nothing we could have done in any other car. In that moment, as I settled in to my seat and looked around at my family in our rolling living room, I fell in love with my mini-van.

Third Time’s the Charm?

So here we are.  Awaiting, with excitement, fear, love, frustration, and hope, the arrival of our third child.  I’m due on Christmas Eve.  Expecting a present I’m still not sure I wanted.

I’ve been married to K for 7 years (it’s our anniversary as I write this).  We have two boys.  J is, as he will proudly tell you, 3 ^3/4 .  D is 18 months.  After J was born I went back to work.  I made it 6 weeks before I resigned.  I’ve been home full time ever since.  But we should back up a little bit.

After college, teaching was my life.  Everyone always said I was a natural with kids and I loved being in the classroom.   I spent four years teaching elementary students with mild to moderate special needs.  I spent my final year as a fifth grade classroom teacher.  I loved watching kids learn new things and I felt confident in the rhythm of the school year.

Somewhere along the line I started watching too much West Wing, so I left teaching and started working in politics. I ran an intense, and successful campaign.  I got to help craft laws.  I had a front row seat for the passage of landmark legislation.  It was an exciting two years in state politics, but it just wasn’t a career that combined well with new motherhood.  At least, not for me.  I was crying too much.  I was sick too much.  And that is to say nothing about J!

So now, after a fast, but fulfilling, seven years in the workforce, I have settled into a life at home.  I drive my new minivan to preschool, to the supermarket, to Mommy and Me.  I count the minutes until Curious George.  I yell.  I also sit and watch robins feed their babies.  I have a fridge covered in artwork.  I get excited about interesting bugs or a big spider web.  I marvel at small achievements and see the world through two sets of small blue eyes.

Teaching came naturally to me. Maybe that’s why I was so surprised to find that motherhood often doesn’t.  Every day has a challenge, and more often than not I feel like I miss the mark.  I’m trying to figure out how to be okay with being “good enough”.

I consider myself lucky to be home with my boys.  And yet, every day I miss the challenges of the working world.  I was planning to find a new intellectual outlet for myself when I found out I was pregnant.  We weren’t sure we wanted another baby.  We were certain we didn’t want another baby right now.  But as I near the halfway point in this pregnancy I am starting to see this baby as a gift.  A gift I didn’t know I needed.

I am working hard to make peace with myself as a mother, to get comfortable in my own skin as a mom.  It’s not always a pretty process, but I promise you it is an honest account of our growing family, and my growth as a mom.  Maybe the third time is the charm?