Third Time’s the Charm?

So here we are.  Awaiting, with excitement, fear, love, frustration, and hope, the arrival of our third child.  I’m due on Christmas Eve.  Expecting a present I’m still not sure I wanted.

I’ve been married to K for 7 years (it’s our anniversary as I write this).  We have two boys.  J is, as he will proudly tell you, 3 ^3/4 .  D is 18 months.  After J was born I went back to work.  I made it 6 weeks before I resigned.  I’ve been home full time ever since.  But we should back up a little bit.

After college, teaching was my life.  Everyone always said I was a natural with kids and I loved being in the classroom.   I spent four years teaching elementary students with mild to moderate special needs.  I spent my final year as a fifth grade classroom teacher.  I loved watching kids learn new things and I felt confident in the rhythm of the school year.

Somewhere along the line I started watching too much West Wing, so I left teaching and started working in politics. I ran an intense, and successful campaign.  I got to help craft laws.  I had a front row seat for the passage of landmark legislation.  It was an exciting two years in state politics, but it just wasn’t a career that combined well with new motherhood.  At least, not for me.  I was crying too much.  I was sick too much.  And that is to say nothing about J!

So now, after a fast, but fulfilling, seven years in the workforce, I have settled into a life at home.  I drive my new minivan to preschool, to the supermarket, to Mommy and Me.  I count the minutes until Curious George.  I yell.  I also sit and watch robins feed their babies.  I have a fridge covered in artwork.  I get excited about interesting bugs or a big spider web.  I marvel at small achievements and see the world through two sets of small blue eyes.

Teaching came naturally to me. Maybe that’s why I was so surprised to find that motherhood often doesn’t.  Every day has a challenge, and more often than not I feel like I miss the mark.  I’m trying to figure out how to be okay with being “good enough”.

I consider myself lucky to be home with my boys.  And yet, every day I miss the challenges of the working world.  I was planning to find a new intellectual outlet for myself when I found out I was pregnant.  We weren’t sure we wanted another baby.  We were certain we didn’t want another baby right now.  But as I near the halfway point in this pregnancy I am starting to see this baby as a gift.  A gift I didn’t know I needed.

I am working hard to make peace with myself as a mother, to get comfortable in my own skin as a mom.  It’s not always a pretty process, but I promise you it is an honest account of our growing family, and my growth as a mom.  Maybe the third time is the charm?

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